stagnation – a negative post about feeling discontent with oneself

i am a little over 2 months into my 8-month break from university and already i feel like my brain is rotting.

i feel no motivation to do anything; anything other than lying on the living room couch and staring at the rotating ceiling fan feels like too much effort. netflix is no longer the treasure chest it once was when i discovered it just before my year-end exams. the books lying haphazardly in my wardrobe are suddenly too bland, too unfulfilling. studying for university feels like a task too far away, its consequences not in the horizon of my sight. my trips to tokyo and pulau redang happening in the next couple of weeks are no longer exciting prospects. the lives of my friends and acquaintances seem to be a world's distance away from me, after i decided, one day, that facebook and instagram and twitter disgusted me with its shiny, lacquered film of perceived glamour, the scent of desperation and desire to impress. i feel isolated, despite spending all of my days eating and sleeping and breathing in a house with 7 (and sometimes more) relatives.

in the past, i escaped discontentment by filling my days with shows and books about people unlike me. now, even escaping is too tiring.

it's absurd how, even after deactivating my social media accounts, trying to bathe myself in the ignorance of what my old classmates are doing, trying to revel in a blanket of disinterest, i still feel so discontented with what i am doing (or not doing) with my life. although i no longer see smiling pictures of gatherings i am not at, my mind keeps wandering, when i am lazing around the house, to how i'm just wasting my life away, whilst everyone else is living it up every day, making new friends and laughing at new jokes. whereas once i compared myself to an image others had created for themselves, now i compare myself to an image i have created for others, and my self-loathing multiplies: i want to stop this incessant comparison, and i also want to use my life for something useful so that i will no longer feel the need to compare.

every time i have too much time on my hands, my brain becomes stagnant, and, like stagnant water, it becomes an incubator for bacteria, parasites that leech any trace of positivity from my mind, leaving me with a stinking swirl of grey, poisonous thoughts. it's horrible.


what a year

my first year in uni has ended, and although part of me feels like i haven't achieved anything i had planned to before moving to london, another part of me is also really proud of the fact that i have survived a year of adulthood.

i'm happy to be back home, breathing in that familiar sweet scent of smoggy air, but i also miss the independence and the flurried life that i've come to associate with london. i miss being able to stay up and talk to friends about Life until the wee hours of the morning; being able to get turkish food, vegan ice cream, and egg tarts all in a 30 minute trip from my room. this constant movement is what i reminisce about in boredom-drenched days, as well as the wholesome (as mariana would put it) friends that i've gotten to know.

so – cue awesome segue – i have compiled a whole bunch of photos from the year to feed this nostalgia and to escape my current lacklustre state of mind.

brick lane vintage market
rough trade

kyoto garden, holland park

v&a museum

over and out,


grainy photos from shanghai

photos from december on grainy film, taken in shanghai two days before i left for london.

over and out,


new year new me???

wowz it's 2017 already. it feels like just yesterday when i posted my 2016 bucket list (of which i merely completed two things), and now i'm here to write another list of things i will do in 2017 – if only to just leave and never accomplish them.

2016 was full of hectic ups and downs. my hair turned grey over exams, i graduated, left my home of 10 years, and experienced painful homesickness for the first time in my life. i learnt how to become more comfortable with being alone. i began to skip classes. i became more independent. i cried more than i've ever cried, but i've also laughed more than i can remember. i can't say 2016 was a good year, because i am a pessimistic person and nothing is ever really good enough, but it's changed me into someone i'm happier with.

but i want to grow more, to be the best person i can be. i want to be less guarded, less judgemental, less angry – more appreciative, more dedicated, more productive.

in 2017, i will...

...read 15 books.

upgrading from last year's resolution to read 10 books (which i only barely accomplished, reading 12 texts), i vow to myself that i will read 15 novels. will i succeed? we shall see in 12 months' time.

(i am a pathetic excuse for an english student.)


ever since uni life started and i became inundated with work and inexplicable mood swings, i've neglected the one thing i used to really love doing: journalling. for some reason, it gradually turned into a sort of chore rather than a cathartic experience, and as a result, i just stopped. but seeing stephany's instagram post yesterday made me realise how much i miss the process of looking back at pages i wrote months ago, reliving joyful / painful memories and scoffing at my (or other people's) ignorance. so in this new year, i'll try and fill up the remaining pages of my moleskine.

...take more photographs.

i have five cameras sitting in a suitcase under my bed and i really need to use them more.

...get out more.

i have the privilege of spending my uni days in london, the "flower of cities all", yet i'm positive that i've spent 85% of my first semester cooped up in my room watching youtube videos and k-dramas. this is a city with so many markets that i can't even keep track of them all; a city with so many theatre productions and museum exhibitions happening every day. in this new year i will try and brave the shitty, depressing weather and explore the city more than i have the past three months. there are caf├ęs to be discovered, vintage stores to be browsed, bookstores to be drooled over. oh, and i need to stop skipping seminars.

over and out,