this post is going to be one of wild ramblings.
i've been thinking lately about why i am so inconsistent with posting on this blog. whilst i haven't been loving this space here in the past, i also haven't been hating it. sometimes i think, "if i delete the blog, maybe i'll feel less resentment at myself for my lack of commitment at everything i do", yet i can't bring myself to actually do it.
i think one of the reasons why i don't post as much as i want to is because i have this perpetual thirst to be everywhere on social media, but at the same time, i also find social media to be quite irksome and unenjoyable. perhaps it is the pressure of our generation to be ever-present on the internet. or perhaps it is my own desire to create a persona that is unlike who i really am, living a life that is unlike my own, because sometimes i wallow in disappointment at the monotonous humming of my life. i created a youtube account and posted two videos on it, sparked with excitement at the prospect of documenting my days using a new medium. then the reality of how "the subscriber count shouldn't matter to you" is easier said than done set in, and the realisation of how i am unable to reach the audience i desire has extinguished that initial spark. and so my channel sits there, temporarily abandoned.
i fantasise about creating perfection. even though i know that that is forever unattainable, as i will forever be imperfect. and i don't think someone who is imperfect can produce something perfect. in my struggle to create this illusion of perfection, i have been trying so hard to sound more intelligent, more refined, more subdued on this blog than i actually am. i think that the reason why i don't post as often as i would like to is because i try to write like somebody other than me when i enter this blog.
mostly, i'm afraid of posting uninteresting things about my mundane life because it pales in comparison to the weekly escapades, and runway-worthy fashion, and mouth-wateringly beautiful cuisine that so many other bloggers on the internet partake in.
well, fuck it. i'm starting afresh. this is my space. i will not filter myself. i will post whatever i want, even if it's just a rambling post about a topic nobody else is interested in but me.
i've been thinking lately about why i am so inconsistent with posting on this blog. whilst i haven't been loving this space here in the past, i also haven't been hating it. sometimes i think, "if i delete the blog, maybe i'll feel less resentment at myself for my lack of commitment at everything i do", yet i can't bring myself to actually do it.
i think one of the reasons why i don't post as much as i want to is because i have this perpetual thirst to be everywhere on social media, but at the same time, i also find social media to be quite irksome and unenjoyable. perhaps it is the pressure of our generation to be ever-present on the internet. or perhaps it is my own desire to create a persona that is unlike who i really am, living a life that is unlike my own, because sometimes i wallow in disappointment at the monotonous humming of my life. i created a youtube account and posted two videos on it, sparked with excitement at the prospect of documenting my days using a new medium. then the reality of how "the subscriber count shouldn't matter to you" is easier said than done set in, and the realisation of how i am unable to reach the audience i desire has extinguished that initial spark. and so my channel sits there, temporarily abandoned.
i fantasise about creating perfection. even though i know that that is forever unattainable, as i will forever be imperfect. and i don't think someone who is imperfect can produce something perfect. in my struggle to create this illusion of perfection, i have been trying so hard to sound more intelligent, more refined, more subdued on this blog than i actually am. i think that the reason why i don't post as often as i would like to is because i try to write like somebody other than me when i enter this blog.
mostly, i'm afraid of posting uninteresting things about my mundane life because it pales in comparison to the weekly escapades, and runway-worthy fashion, and mouth-wateringly beautiful cuisine that so many other bloggers on the internet partake in.
well, fuck it. i'm starting afresh. this is my space. i will not filter myself. i will post whatever i want, even if it's just a rambling post about a topic nobody else is interested in but me.
over and out,
one fascinating (or could be creepy) thing about social media is that someone could be paying attention to you in silence when you think no one cares but anyway just blog away like it's your little diary! x
ReplyDeleteare you back in penang?? come say hi at hin bus depot omg xx
yes!! i am in penang was just planning to go to the garage sale on saturday! will you be there??
Deletealexius xx
Alexius I really love your blog! The aesthetic is amazing... especially your photographs. I think I know what you mean here about wanting to sound a certain way on your blog. But don't assume you're not like that just because you're trying to be like that! Wanting to become something means it's as much a part of you as the other cemented bits. Most of the blogs you're admiring are probably thinking exactly the same thing, probably also suffering from imposter syndrome. Your writing and photos really speak to me, so please don't give it up. x
ReplyDeleteahh this is such a sweet comment! thank you so much, your words have made my day! <3
Deletealexius xx